A month of Mondays

It’s been exactly one month since my last blog post. Stop yelling at me. I’ve been preoccupied. Just kidding. I doubt anyone lost any sleep over it. So what have I been up to? Well, let’s see. First of all, I DID drink that bottle of champagne with a few of my best friends. One year ago (yesterday) I was released from my stint in prison (also known as the hospital) where I was recovering from surgery. After twenty long days I was finally sent home, completely exhausted and anorexic. Now here I sit, a year later, over twenty pounds heavier and feeling just fine. Ah, the difference a year can make.

I’ve been working on a couple of career ideas I have, and still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. More importantly, I’ve been taking some time out for me to reflect, relax and rethink a few things. This was on the advice of my psychologist, who suggested I ease up on the self-imposed to do lists I create for myself and just enjoy this time off. After our session, I went three days without changing clothes. It was nice. But three days is enough of that.

To be honest, I’ve had a lot on my mind during the last month or so. After my last post, a friend of mine made the following comment:

A fact of life that I've accepted: HOPE is a wicked bitch. It's fine to know her, go shoe shopping with her, even have a drink with her occasionally but it's never a good idea to let her live in your house. I'm not suggesting that you give up hope (definitely don't), just keep her where she belongs. 

This is so true. And it’s something most people just don’t understand. Yes, I feel fine. Yes, I look healthy. And yes, it is possible that all of the cancer that took over my body and tried to kill me has been eradicated; never to return. It is also possible that there is still cancer there and it will still have to be dealt with, most likely with another round of high dose chemotherapy. I won’t know until at least April when they run more tests, if even then. Now what most people will say is to look at it from a positive point of view. Hey, might as well assume it’s gone and get back to living a normal life and move on until I find out differently. It makes sense. I mean why worry about something you have no control over anyway, right? And there is truth and wisdom to that. Worrying is only good for acquiring dark under eye circles and gray hair. Here’s the flip side to that. As my insightful friend pointed out hope is a good thing. Hope is what keeps us going on the bad days that we all have. We know (or hope) that no matter what is going on in our lives that things WILL be better. This too shall pass. BUT, as she also very eloquently pointed out, and something I know from first hand experience, is what it’s like to get your hopes up only to be disappointed by reality. It’s soul crushingly devastating. Which is why in a position like mine, you have to ride this fine line between not worrying and assuming the worst, and yet mentally preparing for what may in fact be coming down the road and however bad it may be. It’s mental survival. But it’s not easy. I go about my days, doing my best to enjoy the moments and create happiness where I can. I make vacation plans and plug away at different career interests so I can get back to work (and get paid) at some point. But there are times, when amidst the planning when I have to consider the possibility that if I have to do more chemo, then all my plans may go flying right out the window.

And survivor’s guilt. Oh, it’s real. Anyone with cancer wants to be cured. And no, I shouldn’t feel bad for feeling good. But if I do make it, then what about the ones who don’t? How is that fair? I’m certainly not special. But that’s life, and it’s not fair. It doesn’t have any rhyme or reason sometime. Bad things happen to good people, blah, blah, blah. You know. Still, it’s this kind of shit that will keep a person up at night. So, back to just enjoying the moment while it’s here. It’s honestly all you can really do. 

But let me tell you some good news. I have finally figured out how to tune my guitar. Turns out, there’s an app for that! Imagine that.... I am working on learning a few chords and maybe this time next year I will be able to play an actual song. I have made a teensy bit of progress on my book. Only teensy; however, now I’m caught up on a few other things I’ve had going, so should have more time now to devote to writing. I’m taking online real estate classes. I’ve been interested in the field since the company I worked for went belly up. I like the idea of not being tied to a desk and the flexible schedule it would allow. I’m also researching other career ideas and the idea of possibly going back to school if need be, perhaps something in the field of oncology. It seems appropriate. And I plan to start submitting writing samples to various publications in hopes of  finding a niche in the world of writing. 

I’ve been doing yoga more often these days. Always take time to stretch. Trust me. You will feel so much better for it. I’ve been looking into alternative cancer cures. I now incorporate turmeric and selenium and other antioxidants into my diet when I can, and have just recently purchased some CBD oil. I haven’t tried it yet, but I’m going to give it a shot. Oh, and I have been dating someone. We’ve been friends for forever, but only in the last few months has it moved into another category. I will blame him for some of my preoccupation and therefore lack of blog posts. But it’s been a good preoccupation. Today is his birthday. So, if you’re reading this, happy birthday!!! And if you’re not, you should be. 

I keep busy. For someone who doesn’t have a “real” job, I don't have a lot of free time. But for me, that’s a good thing. I only have one tattoo - the Libra scales. Life is about balance. And I can tell when my scales get tipped too far in any one direction; I start feeling out of sorts, and I have to shift it back the other way. That’s all I’m really doing at the moment. A delicate balancing act between work and play, family and friends, knowledge and wisdom, hope and reality. And I will continue writing. Even if I don’t get a post up every week, I will stay in touch. I know that whether I do or don't is not life altering for anyone. And there are days when I don’t, for whatever reason, most especially when I don’t feel I have anything worth sharing, like today, really. However, since I have started this blog, there have been a handful of people who have reached out to me and thanked me for writing these stories. Somehow it resonates with them, for some, it’s with their own battle with cancer or illness or any other of life’s struggles. And that gives me reason. 

So, until next time, remember: “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”