Stereotypes

A friend of mine sent me a text suggesting I blog about stereotypes, nothing specific, just stereotypes in general. That's a fairly broad topic, and one that could lend itself to more discussion than could really fit into a blog post. I'm willing to give it a shot though. I like a challenge.

First of all, let's be clear. Stereotypes are not just harmless jokes about Asians being good at math or white people can't dance. Stereotypes are dangerous. They breed fear and hatred. People have been killed over stereotyping. They lead us to make irrational assumptions on an entire group of people, be it racial, gender-biased, ethnic, or whatever the case may be. Even without being aware at times we are doing it.

How many times have you heard someone make a comment about welfare recipients being lazy or irresponsible? Is it true that some people receiving government assistance take advantage of the system? Yes. Is it true they all do? No. But that doesn't stop some people from making broad, sweeping generalizations based on an inaccurate stereotype. What may in fact (or not) be a representation of a very small minority, begins to become accepted as a universal truth. These unsupported biases are not only hurtful to the citizens who are being wrongfully categorized, but lend themselves to being accepted as the popular opinion. Popular opinion can have the power to sway policies and regulations enacted by elected officials in an effort to placate their constituency.

Not all Muslims are terrorists. Not all Christians are bible-thumping evangelicals. Not all Republicans hate gays. Not all Southerners are racist. Not all teenagers are self-absorbed brats.

You get the point.

So how do we overcome this? How do we gain understanding of that which we are unfamiliar? The old proverb about walking a mile in another man's shoes is appropriate here. At the heart of the matter is a lack of empathy for each other. And that lacking stems from inadequate knowledge. Our outlook and views on society have been formed over time by the experiences we've have had in our individual lives. Our prejudices, our threshold for what is or isn't acceptable, even our religious preferences and choice of companions have all been molded by our own singular life experience. We can't change that.

What we can change is how we react to the world around us. Once we accept that our perceptions are biased, and make no mistake, they absolutely are, then we can then step away from ourselves and try to look at things more objectively.

If we never leave the confines of our own back yard, it's easy to fall into the mindset that it's the best yard; that other yards are somehow inferior. If we only surround ourselves with like-minded people, we deny ourselves the opportunity of being exposed to a new way of thinking. We become closed-down, narrow-minded, so filled with absolute certainty in our own beliefs, we begin to accept them as fact rather than mere opinion.

This doesn't mean we shouldn't have convictions. But we should arrive at them after careful deliberation, considering all sides, with thorough knowledge of why we believe what we do.

By gaining perspective into the lives of others, we gain understanding. Our perspectives shift, views are challenged and we become more accepting of what is foreign to us, thus diminishing our need for useless stereotypes.


Author's Note - My advice, if I have any worth offering:
Be diverse in your choice of acquaintances. Travel as often as possible, as far as your resources will let you go. Keep your mind open to new ideas. Be kind to one another.

Experience the world through someone else's eyes. You never know what you might see.

Damn Yankees

The South has a reputation for being slow-moving, sometimes slow-thinking but seemingly friendlier than our Northern counterparts. And we like to paint a picture of Northerners as being fast-talking and abrasive. Well, a friend of mine and I developed a hypothesis about this recently.

Standing outside in beyond ridiculous cold weather, which for me, anything below 60 degrees is insanity, but nonetheless, here we were in the cold of winter and we shared a thought. It's not that Northerners are rude. They're just cold. Of course Southerners are more congenial. We have time to be. If you catch us outside a Wal-Mart we will stand in the parking lot and inquire about your family, your new job and tell you all about our recent vacation to the Smoky Mountains. But trust me, when it's below freezing outside with arctic wind chills, who in their right mind wants to hang around outside and chit chat? They're in a hurry simply because they want to go home and thaw out in front of a heater. Who can blame them? And if they seem a bit grouchy, well, how would like to have to shovel snow out of your driveway every time you wanted to leave the house? Or spend twenty minutes scraping ice off your windshield three or four months of the year? Or better yet, know that if you don't bundle up like the little brother from "A Christmas Story" you could lose body parts to frostbite just by walking to the mailbox? I'd be pretty pissy about life too. Further proof that I need not live any farther North than the Mason-Dixon line.

So, next time you spot a Northerner in your neck of the woods, invite 'em over to sit a spell on the porch and enjoy the warm sunshine and a glass of sweet tea. The poor souls just don't get to do that often where they come from.

Bless their hearts.

PS - You know the difference between a Yankee and a Damn Yankee? A Damn Yankee never leaves.
Just kidding - you know I love y'all.

Selfies

For lack of anything better to write about, tonight's topic: The Selfie. Which, to my understanding now has an entry in the dictionary. Yay. Way to go mankind. We have now made narcissism a national past time. Don't get me wrong, I am sure I have had my share of shameless selfies, but I feel I can honestly say they are at least somewhat few and far between, at least compared to the realm of relentless look-at-me pics that flood the internet. Until tonight that is!!!!! That's right. This blog is my humble dedication to that great ego-boost, self-important, cry for attention, The Selfie. 

Here goes:

First up, The Duck Face:

Nothing says I'm sexy and I know it like puckering up to a handheld computer device. Alone. Because you have nothing better to make out with than your iPhone. 

The Bathroom Selfie:

On the upside, I got to take care of some important paperwork while taking a picture of myself. That's a  win for multi-tasking. 

The Mundane-Same-Shit-I-Do-Everyday Selfie:

Here is a photo of me holding a Sharpie marker. Why? Well, as we all know, Sharpie's are awesome and I thought I would share some of that awesomeness with the world. What? You're doing homework?!?! For the love of all that is good and holy PLEASE share that with everyone you know. Because, no, none of us have EVER participated in anything as exciting writing a paper for English Comp 101. Or have jobs with desks. Or drive cars. Or eat apples. 

And my personal favorite - The Cleavage Shot Selfie

This is a classic, almost always followed by some heading like "Loving Life and All Smiles" knowing full well it isn't your smile you are attracting attention to, but yet, will still pretend to get offended when some guy makes a comment about your décolletage. I actually applaud the men who make inappropriate comments. Good for you, I say. Call a spade, a spade. And if I don't get at least a few lewd comments on my barely-there cleavage, I'm going to be terribly offended. 

(yes, there was a wardrobe change - can't get a good cleavage shot in a sweatshirt for heaven's sake)

So here's to you Selfie. You self-absorbed son-of-a-bitch. You bring the world closer, one Instagram pic at a time. As you can see, I was totally excited to write this blog. Like, Totes MaGoats!!! 

 

Just an earthbound misfit, I

"Learning to Fly" Pink Floyd"(video link that hopefully works)

"Learning to Fly" was the song playing on the radio when I knew I was getting a tattoo. I was driving over O'Neal bridge and just knew. And the following weekend, I did get one. I wasn't even entirely sure what I was getting when I walked into the tattoo parlor. But a decision was made, the ink was put on, and unlike some people I have known, I have never regretted it. It's simple, and could really use some retouching, but I still like it. For those that don't know, it's the Libra scales. Yes, I'm a Libra. No, I am not a lawyer. And yes, I've been asked both. 

But for me, it's not just a zodiac sign. It represents the balance I need in life. Work and play. Family and friends. Time alone and time spent socializing. Exuberance and despair. We need a little of everything, but not too much of anything. I can tell when I have overindulged in one aspect of my life. I feel off. I feel the need to swing the scales back the opposite direction. 

It's also a reminder of that particular time in my life. That feeling of elation when all the pieces fall into place and you are brimming with absolute certainty. It doesn't have to be a song on the radio, although for me, music is most often my muse. Inspiration can arrive in any fashion. It's that moment of clarity, vision, peace, euphoria, an epiphany, or as Pink Floyd eloquently wrote, There's no sensation to compare with this, suspended animation, a state of bliss. It was one of those nights. I was 21, in college, having the time of my life with no clue where I would be 15 years later. As it turns out, I'm living back in my hometown and most currently, writing a blog about it, with no regrets, still learning to fly.

"Learning to Fly"

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction is holding me fast,
How can I escape this irresistible grasp?

Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted, just an earth-bound misfit, I

Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought, I thought of everything
No navigator to find my way home
Unladened, empty and turned to stone
A soul in tension -- that's learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try

Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air,
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night

There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, a state of bliss

Can't keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

Who Are These Women?

Who are these women? These women I keep seeing on the cover of Cosmopolitan? These women who apparently somehow manage successful careers while raising 3 children and still maintaining the figure of a 20 year old while pushing 40? Who never let love get the best of them... Who never cuss...  These bitches kick ass and take names.

Okay, admittedly, I know some of these women. I also hate them a little bit. But only because I am convinced they are full of shit, and hiding some really weird side of themselves - these are also the women most likely to be plotting your death right now, with a knife, while you're sleeping. It's always the quiet ones....

But I am not one of them. I'm 36 years old and most days I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. Does he love me? Does he love me not? Do these pants make me look fat? And why can't I fry chicken without burning the outside? I'm Southern, frying chicken should just be in my soul.

The thing is, most of the women I know are not that person either. And it's high time we stopped expecting so much of ourselves. Since when it is considered uncool to show emotions? If someone breaks your heart, it's okay to cry!!!!!!! No need to convince the world what a strong woman you are with some random facebook posts about "how life is working out like it should". Fuck that shit. Sometimes you need a bottle of wine, a sad ass movie and a good friend that doesn't mind if you cry into the throw pillow. Sometimes men suck. Sometimes women do too. And yet, men still suck more. So By Holy Heavens - let that shit out. You can't kill them (legally) so might as well wear a bathrobe, have a good cry, followed by an even better laugh, and curse their ass. And stop being so damn strong. You just make the rest of us feel bad for being honest, and you're only making yourself more miserable.

A Night on the Town

Well, I managed to cross off one more item on my New Year’s to do list, under the try something new category. I went to a bar – IN IUKA! Anyone reading this unfamiliar with my little town should understand this is the first time in my life this has been possible. Up until the past year, this was a dry county. Finally through much effort and hard work of some fine folks, beer and liquor sales were added to the ballot and passed by majority vote. And sweet heavens, it’s about time.

It’s so nice to see my little town growing up. Our first stop on our night out in Iuka was to the newly reopened Café Memories. If you haven’t been there yet, you must. By far the best atmosphere you will find at any restaurant in the area. Comfortable, cozy, and filled to the brim with antiques, unique finds and loads of ambiance. With good food to boot, what else could you want? The extra special touch was spotting a picture of our friends, as part of the window décor next to our table.

My friend's photo in the window 

It's all about atmosphere

After a nice dinner, we headed to our next destination. Just recently opened, The Hideaway Bar, is a nondescript metal building located just off Millcreek Road. The staff was very friendly, and the beer was cold… just how it should be. They had a band, not sure of the name, but they played some good music worth dancing to, and my friends and I were happy to oblige. Seemed to have plenty of seating, with tables and room at the bar, in addition to a decent dance area. I noticed a pool table, dartboard, and a couple of TVs, which are always bonuses in my opinion when considering somewhere to have a beer or two. The only suggestion I might have is to add more ventilation, as I could see the smell of smoke being bothersome for people on a crowded night.

Interior decorating at its finest at The Hideaway Bar

All in all, it was a fun night. But what made it special was that it was a night out in in my hometown, which until recently wasn't really possible. Finally, we are starting to have actual entertainment options that don’t involve driving to neighboring states and counties. I’m proud of my little town. I hope it continues to grow and flourish, with more local businesses opening and perhaps driving more commerce and industry to the area. Cheers!

Girlfriends

Some people go to priests, others to poetry, I to my friends. – Virginia Woolf
This one is for the ladies:
A little over a year ago, I was preparing for the upcoming company Christmas party. Not having a significant other at the time, and needing a date, my friend offered up her boyfriend to be my date for the night as she was probably going to have to work that night and he would just be bored with nothing to do. Because, that's what all boyfriend's do - they sit at home, bored, patiently pining away for their missing girlfriends. Ahem. Anyway, back at work, I was talking to a fellow coworker about my dateless dilemma and mentioned the borrowed boyfriend scenario as an option. My female colleague, engaged at the time, looked at me horrified and said, "What? You mean your friend would let her boyfriend come to the party without her?" "I would never trust any of my friend's to go anywhere with my fiancee." This is where I dispensed what I consider some of my most sage womanly advice. I looked straight at her and said matter-of-factly, "Honey, if you can't trust your friends to be alone with your man, then you need to find better friends." Now, a lot can be said about the boyfriend/spouse/significant other not being trusted in this situation, but this isn't a post about cheating boyfriends. This is a post about loyal friends. I won't say I couldn't have made it this far without my friends, too cliche', but I will say, what a terribly, dismal image that conjures.  I don't want to think of a life without these terrific women in it. These are women, who, when I left my husband, showed up at my house in pickup trucks on Labor Day after a long weekend of partying on the river, ready to do some heavy lifting. Women, who, when I found myself strapped for cash for a trip to New Orleans a couple of years back, offered to cover my portion of the hotel room, because according to them, "they preferred my company over my monetary contribution". The same group of women who have laughed with me, cried with me, cheered for my successes, chided me for my poor decisions when I needed to hear it, and have peed on more backroads with me than I could ever count. They are smart, talented, beautiful, hard working ladies and while I may could imagine a life without them, I damn sure wouldn't want to. Friendships change over time, and in ten years, your best friends may be completely different from who they are now. But it is important at any stage of your life to know who they really are. Life is just so much better with good girlfriends; friends that love you, that are there to help when you need it, friends that you can trust, without any doubts, to be alone with your boyfriend while you are stuck at work. 

Okay, here goes:

First blog. 2nd day of 2014. I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions. I never stick to them anyway, and I just find the notion somewhat silly. However, today at lunch a friend posed the question: what are you going to do in the new year? Which, by the way, is completely different than a resolution in my humble opinion. It was an invitation. An entire, brand-spanking-new year lies before you. How would you like to spend it? Any dreams? Goals? Plans? Or just another year drifting through, catching what comes your way? Maybe I thought too much into the question. But it did make me stop and think. What DO I want to do in 2014? For all I know, it may be my last year alive. I certainly hope it's not, but it may be. One never knows. So that being said, there's obviously no way I could really ever accomplish everything I would like to in life in one year, but perhaps it's a good time to set some goals for the year and actually make a commitment to getting them done. And I won't say this list is all inclusive. I may come to think of other things on my "to-do" list, but it's a start. So here goes:

1. Write something. Okay, well, here ya go - one thing already checked off my list. And no, it's not cheating because I've always wanted to write. Something. Anything. Not for fame or fortune, but because I like to ponder and think and it seems ponderers and thinkers are often times also writers. I've always been intimidated when it comes to writing. And here's the thing; I took creative writing in college and was told by my professor I was at least somewhat decent at it. I don't remember his exact words, but I recall them being encouraging. I also remember him telling me to "write about what you know". Well, that's a long, could be interesting or could be boring story depending on who you ask. It could also result in loss of friends, family and unrest among local citizens. Nobody really wants me to write about what I know. Because, well, among other things, I happen to know a great deal of dirty secrets. And who the hell wants that? Well, okay, some people do. Actually, probably a lot of people do, (everybody loves some dirty laundry) but we're not quite there yet. Another tidbit most people do not know about me, I began my first book at the age of ten or eleven-ish. Maybe twelve. And somewhere tucked away in a box is an aqua colored vinyl notebook containing my early writings. It was a story of four best friends and their adventures...think Baby Sitter's Club or Sweet Vally Twins for all of you who remember those books. I also remember one of the character names was Stacy Stein. And the reason I remember that, is because I was telling my mother about my book and the main characters, she asks me if Stacy was Jewish. I was completely dumbstruck. What the hell kind of question is that? How should I know? She had blonde hair and was the "pretty" one. That was as far as I had gotten in character development. And no, the fact her last name was Stein was not an indication of her heritage, I just thought it sounded like a cool last name. Hence, my first lesson in writing. Names matter. But again, I was ten, eleven-twelvish. Point is, writing has been in my blood for a long time.                                


2. Travel to a foreign country. Okay, this one is a little more adventurous and will require at least a small amount of planning and budgeting. I've done quite a bit of traveling within the continental U.S. but my foreign country experience is lacking. Technically, I've been to two other countries, France and Mexico. France was awesome (screw the haters, I loved it). I took four quarters (before UAB switched to semesters) of French and one of the best trips I've ever been on was with several women from my French class to Paris between Spring and Summer quarters. We spent around 10 days there and I loved every second of it. Though I will say, hands down, the absolute worst onion soup I have ever had was in France. Maybe they were having an off night, but you would think a country given credit for a particular soup could knock it out of the park every time. Apparently not. As for their other cuisine, if you enjoy a fried egg on every sandwich you eat, you're in luck. Now, I said "technically" two countries, but I'm just not sure the Mexico trip really counts. Crossing the border was a spur-of-the-moment side trip while sight-seeing in Arizona led by my mother, with her fourteen year old daughter (that would be me) and her pre-Alzheimer's but already crazy Mother in tow. After dark. In a rental car. In Mexico. No point to elaborate. That trip lasted all of about 30 minutes. Basically, long enough for my mother to realize this was not the best idea, as our car was being surrounded by Mexicans banging on the windows trying to sell us fruit and crafts. The entire could be summed up by "pulling a Ueee" at the Mexican border. So for 2014, I am determined to get out of the country. Passport ready.

3. Saving money. Boring, I know, but necessary. If my recent bout of temporary unemployment taught me anything, it's this: you have no fucking idea how close you are to being completely broke. And by broke I mean, not enough money to pay bills. Eat out? No, my friend, you better learn to love Ramen noodles and bologna. Just don't mix the two. Unless you like the shits. Sorry, I knew there was no way I was going to make an entire blog without crossing the line. But, in my defense, you were warned with the opening paragraph. Besides, everyone's had them at some point. The shits, that is. Anyway, back to saving money. And by the way, the inability to pay one's bills can lead to another condition known as Being Homeless.
So the other day, I was talking to my dad about getting behind on bills while unemployed. He says to me I was "living beyond my means". I said, no, I had no income. And with no income, EVERYTHING is beyond your means. And here's the thing about bills; just because you missed last month's payment doesn't mean they won't send you another one next month. Now you're two months behind. See how that works? Now, smart, educated folks will tell you that you should have around three months living expenses tucked away for emergency. Well, that's fine and dandy if you have extra income at the end of the month to tuck away. For the rest of us, it's slightly more complicated. After my divorce, I bought my first house, a fixer-upper I'm still fixing and any savings I ever had went the way of refinished floors, replacement furniture, and repaired appliances to name a few. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my little house. And I hope that one day, the investment will pay off. But, it wasn't until very recently that I had gotten to the point of being able to actually set aside a little savings. And thank heavens for that little bit, or the last month or two would have been incredibly worse than it was. So, lesson learned. It's easy to get a paycheck, pay the bills, live a little and whatever is left over at the end of the month, well, stick that in savings. No. From now on. Bills get paid. Savings is pulled out immediately. And then, live a little with whatever is left over.

4. Letting It Go (some call it forgiveness, but I prefer not to).  How does one go about forgiving the people in your life who have hurt you the most? Forgive and forget is catchy, but not realistic. Even if you forgive them, how do you forget? I don't think you do. Nor should you have to. Some argue that if you don't forget, then you haven't forgiven. But some things can not be unremembered. I think the key to forgiveness is to find peace. That's why I choose to call letting it go. And no, this doesn't mean you should continue to allow the same people to hurt you over and over. Enough is enough. If someone is not contributing in a positive way in your life, then your life is better off without them. Period. But you will never find peace and true happiness by harboring anger and resentment. So this one's going to be a bit tougher. Because I think in order to find peace and absolution, you have to first acknowledge the hurt, and then find a way to be okay with it. And this also means forgiving yourself (myself). Yes, there are people in my life who have hurt me, but if I am able to forgive others their trespasses, I have to extend myself the same courtesy.

5. Try something new. Free For All!!!!! This is my favorite on the list thus far. Admittedly, it's a pretty loose goal. But the last one was getting a bit heavy, and I'm running out of ideas at the moment. Not that there aren't other things I would like to do in 2014, but I'm leery of committing to too much at once. Baby steps, people. And this one will be easy, because I love trying new things. New foods, new activities, new ways of thinking, new dances, new technology...
And there are so many things I've never actually done. I have never been snow skiing. I have never snorkeled. I've never seen the running of the bulls or pole danced at amateur night. Point is there are boundless opportunities to experience something new and different. And that's what life is really all about. Just the very thought of doing something I've never done before excites me and makes me smile. Learn a second language. Take guitar lessons. Hike the Appalachian Trail. And my advice to everyone, whatever your new year has in store, make room for getting our of your comfort zone and giving something new a chance!