The Evolution of My Ass Part 1

2014 will probably always be remembered as the worst year of my life. At least, I hope it is. It started innocuously enough, but even then at the very precipice of the freshest of moments, a la January 1, 2104 it was already off to a shaky start.  While I was just getting my sea legs about me in my new role as marketing manager, the company I had just started work for a mere 5 months prior was sinking. By early April, it was over. The company dissolved, clamored upon by vultures waiting in the wings. Bankruptcy was declared and I was out of pocket 10 weeks of unpaid wages. No job. No insurance. No freaking clue what I was going to do. I have been gainfully employed for my entire adult life, barring a few job hops here and there along the way and a few moves around the country. For the last few years, I had been living independently, bought my first house and couldn't afford to not have a job. Not even for a little bit. After my divorce, I had used all my savings in order to purchase my house and make necessary home improvements and replace some of the furniture I had left behind. Homes are very expensive to own. And this one needed a bit of work from the get go.

I was just getting comfortable again, arriving at that point I could start setting some money aside in an effort to rebuild my small nest egg. But then, BAM!, just like that the rug came out from under me. I told myself not to panic. I would get by. I would figure something out until I could find another permanent position. I filed for unemployment. I'd like to go on record to say that unemployment benefits in the state of Mississippi are laughable. I drew the max amount available and I think it was somewhere around $275 a week. How is anyone supposed to live on this? I started waiting tables at a nearby restaurant. The money was nowhere near what I needed, but my parents helped out and I managed to get by with God's Grace.

Amid this, some time around early February, a rail-thin, scraggly looking hound dog showed up on my doorstep, cold and hungry. I, being a sucker for animals, especially rail-thin, scraggly dogs, started feeding her. So she came back. I announced her as being found on social media sites, but nobody claimed her. Surprise! I'm the proud new owner of a hound dog. Already having a nine year old Boxer and a kitty cat, I was not in the market for a new pet, however, we would make it. A few weeks later, another dog followed the hound home. Another dog abandoned by her former owners. So, naturally, I started feeding her too. Henceforth, they were dubbed Thelma and Louise. I am now up to three dogs and a cat. My house was getting crowded. My dog food budget and vet bills were going up while my income was going down. This is not good math. But the fun was just starting in the soon to be The Great Dog Invasion of 2014. Thelma brought a little something extra to the party...puppies!!!!! That's right. She was the proud mama to 11 healthy pups. Eleven. Eleven of them. One poor pup met his demise in the middle of the road, and nine found new homes. That left one, Max. His story? Well, only a couple of months old, he had wandered into the road and was hit by a truck. His leg was broken. Fortunately, it was only a fracture, and could be healed by just splinting it and keeping him as inactive as possible for a few weeks. He made it through and I knew he was forever mine. He is the baby in the family. I love my pets, but dog food gets expensive, and I'm barely getting by as it is.

It wasn't long until the mild changes in certain, um, normal bodily functions began to become much more evident. My stomach was in knots. My bowels were completely unpredictable. Oh, and the pain. I started noticing a pain in my lower back, near my tailbone. Having had lower back problems in the past, I wasn't too worried. Years of cheerleading and some kick boxing classes in college, with a few minor injuries along the way had taken their toll. I was alternating between diarrhea and constipation, and the pain just got worse. Surely, not connected though, right? Are they? Maybe I have a pinched nerve near my spine. I will get it seen about just as soon as I land a full time job with insurance benefits. Spring turned to summer. The pain was excruciating. My bowels were no longer trustworthy. I feared eating out in public, knowing I may have to make a trip to the bathroom soon after. I was losing a lot of weight too. Not surprising considering I went from mostly sitting at a desk all day to running my butt off waiting tables in the summer heat. Lifting heavy chairs and being on my feet all day surely wasn't helping the back pain either. The stress from the situation is clearly giving me stomach problems, hence the irregular bowel movements. Now an abscess has formed in my right butt cheek. Hurts like hell. What is this new horror? Wake up one morning, abscess is so swollen and painful, I can't walk, sit, lie down. I've never felt a pain like this. Okay, I will go see my family doctor. I explain the situation. The abscess ruptures on it's own and I feel some relief. He is concerned about my list of symptoms. He starts me on antibiotics and urges me to get a colonoscopy just to check things out. It's probably a case of hemorrhoids causing some problems. Yes, hemorrhoids have also been a problem for the last few months. Yes, they are bleeding. Okay, I will make an appointment. I schedule a consultation.

I meet with a gastroenterologist, he examines me, and decides most likely, the abscess didn't fully drain and has now walled itself off, presenting a troubling situation. He starts me on four more (4!!!) strong antibiotics in an effort to break through the wall and keep this thing from becoming very serious. I'm a little concerned about it. The antibiotics make me sick. The diarrhea becomes worse. I have no appetite and feel like run over dammit. He calls a surgeon and sets up an office visit for me. He wants to get a second opinion. I meet the surgeon. I like him. He's very friendly and easy to talk to. He does a rectal exam. At this point, more people have poked and prodded my glory hole than is entirely appropriate. He tells me he feels a mass. A mass? Yes, but don't worry, it could be nothing. But you need a colonoscopy just to be sure. So I set it up with the gastroenterologist. And I wait.