The Great Car Run

Have you ever tried to push a 4,000-ish lb. Ford LTD up a hill? I have. I was probably fourteen at the time and weighed all of 90 lbs. soaking wet. But I had help. My even slightly smaller friend, *Marie, was with me at the time.

Mom was out of town and Dad was at work. Marie and I were at my parent's house, bored. There sat the LTD. It was a late 70's/early 80's model. My parent's had driven it in years past, but hadn't driven in at least a few years. It just sat there, parked, waiting for an adventure. So we decided to take her out for a test drive.

After some groaning, the engine finally roared to life. For those of you who remember, these cars were not the tiny, compact plastic cars we drive today. No, this was a tank with wheels. Anyway, off we go. We started by heading up the driveway and then down to my aunt and uncle's house down the road. So far, so good.

Headed back, we start making the climb up the long hill back toward my parent's house. Engine stalls. Car goes dead. I throw it in park, and try to turn the key a few more times. No luck. Well, okay, then. When the car dies, what do you do? You push it.

We devise a plan. Marie will stand at the driver's side door, with her hand on the wheel to steer it. I will get in the back and push. It made sense at the time. I had seen it done a couple of times. I get in ready to push position, with hands on the back bumper and legs braced. I yell to Marie, "put it in neutral". Um, Houston, we have a problem. I barely managed to clear being crushed to death by jumping into a nearby ditch as the behemoth started rolling backward rather impressively fast. Marie was only dragged down the hill for a short while, before giving up and letting go, also somehow managing not to be run over.

There she goes. Rolling in the wrong direction, back down the hill, ending up in a ditch at approximately a 70 degree angle. Thanks to a few friends, (and their Dads), we managed to get the car pulled out of the ditch, with the only real damage being that we ripped the front bumper halfway off in the process. One of the guys hammered the bumper back to it's original-looking shape. Car was parked in the exact place it had been. No one was ever the wiser.

Several months later, my uncle bought the car, for parts I assume. He shows up, they attach a chain or some device to the bumper to hoist it up to be hauled off. Imagine their surprise when the bumper immediately flies off the car.

"Jennifer, any idea why the bumper just fell off the car?"

"No, Mother, I have no clue." "Geez."