The Thing Is

The thing about cancer is that it consumes your life. It invades every aspect of almost everything you do. It becomes the thing that defines you. People no longer think of you as you once were; all of a sudden now you're the 'girl with cancer'. You live it every single day. And even when you try to forget, someone or something is there to remind you. "Oh, yeah, that. I had almost forgotten." People are suddenly much nicer to you. You get hugs from casual acquaintances in the grocery store. You get messages from complete strangers offering their condolences. It's the first thing people want to ask you about. You find yourself repeating the same brief synopsis over and over. There are endless  doctor appointments. It can be overwhelming at times. And tiresome.

And that's not to say I don't appreciate the support I have been given. I do. I really do. I can not imagine having gone through this without the love I have been shown by my friends and family. They have listened to me when I needed to vent, they have provided shoulders for me to lean on, they have cried with me, laughed with me, held my hand, traveled to appointments with me, donated their time and money, and cheered for me with each small victory.

At the same time, it is a strange experience to be semi-famous (in a small town) for something I would rather not be known for. I guess if I had to sum it up thus far, I would call it "surreal". At times it still seems like some strange dream that I will wake up from and laugh about. "Wow. You won't believe this crazy dream I had." "I had cancer and it was this big, long, sort of terrible, but not all bad,  adventure - you were in it, too -  and it seemed soooo real." "Haha." But then the nurse jabs a rather large needle into my chest, and I'm all like, nope, this is definitely not a dream. That shit hurt.

Someone once told me that cancer was as much a mental battle, as a physical one. I know now what they meant. It wears you down. Some days it gets the best of you, too. I have turned to God and prayer many times, mostly at night, when the house is quiet and darkness has settled in; when the only sounds are the dogs snoring and the insects doing what insects do. The meditation has helped me keep my sanity. These quiet moments have become moments I treasure. I do hope there is a happy ending to my story. But I am determined, to make happy the life I have while I still have it, whether it's only days or many, many years. A good friend gave me a card a few years ago, with a quote on it, that I loved so much, I framed and placed on my coffee table as a daily reminder. It's the most simplest of statements, and perhaps one of the truest. And I shall leave you tonight with this quote:

"Life is what you make it. Always has been. Always will be."
      - Grandma (Anna Mary Robertson) Moses